Darkness falls

I've tried to be dark for a long time. Here in Grahamstown especially, alot of my friends, actually most of my friends, are into the whole dark slash emo slash verging on goth lifestyle complete with depressing pictures and emotive music. Some of them write their own poetry describing how much life sucks and how they're so much happier when they're depressed. Some have piles and files of "amazing" pictures that are black and grey and have the odd pool of blood and girl in chains sort of thing. I've tried, believe me I have, but in the end I'm just too goddamn happy. Yip, that's me. A big-hearted, manic-depressive, ex-druggie, verging-on-alkie, fucked-up and confused, altogether happy teddy-bear man. I've tried writing poetry, but I suck at it. I come up with the coolest sounding stuff in my head, but by the time pen gets to paper it seems lame and more often than not it ends up scrunched up and in the dustbin. I'm even considering deleting this. I've tried the whole emotive images and dark art (not to be confused with Harry Potter) thing, but I always end up looking at more colourful stuff. Maybe that’s my problem. I like colours too much. Green rocks my world, in any form, Orange isn’t too far behind (except when it comes to that dumbass Evan. I want to throw my shoes at him!). Black is cool, but it’s even cooler when it’s flanked by Yellow or Red.
It’s weird, because my entire life, my friends have always been the clad-in-heavy-black-leather types, and as much as I hoped it would rub off on me, it never did. I suppose I’m not designed for that sort of mindset. However, contrary to popular belief, I am a highly introverted and shy person. Not the confident and outgoing person everyone tells me I am. Johnny and Matt are becoming two almost completely separate people, the one exactly what the other is not and both with their own good- and bad-points. But now I’m just rambling.
Back to the whole dark thing. Ja, maybe it’s just not me. But reading over what I’ve written, it did start to get a bit “look at how fucked up my life is”. Maybe I am dark, but a different kind of dark. Who says you have to be depressed to be emo? Who says you have to mope around drinking coffee and whinging and constantly frowning to be goth? That would be conforming to other people’s stereotypes, and excuse me if I’m wrong, is that not what the goth- and emo-type people are all against?
Screw society and its stereotypes-within-stereotypes. For the first time, I find myself completely satisfied with the way my life is going, as confused and upside down as it is. I write what is in my head and don’t need to come up with cool sounding metaphors and melodramatic lyrics to define myself. I’m happy not having to define myself. All I know is that I am a proud ninja-pirate, and this is getting a free mind into perspective.