2006 in retrospect

Im over this year, in more ways than one.

It's basically gone. If they say that matric flies by, wait til you get to varsity. I've grown so much this year, both mentally and socially (if those are the right ways to put it) and feel so much more mature as a person now than I ever did. This year has kicked Germany's ass in terms of self awareness and confidence building. I have met so many people this year, people that I feel closer to than friends I have known my entire life. I've become comfortable with myself as a person. Yes, I am a pretty confusing and fucked up person, but for the first time in my life I feel confident about the person I am: the way I look, the things I say and think, the things I do. Liking myself is such a new experience. My mind has been boggled over and over again, almost every day. Essentially, I've changed homes. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am at home in Grahamstown, for the time being anyway. As cliched a word as it is (especially with me), this year has been awesome. It has opened my eyes to the person I am and the world I live in. Things before seem black and white, whereas now they're in technicolour.

On the other hand, I am over the issues that this year has brought too, and as happy as I want to feel for the abovementioned things, somehow the issues seem to outway the positive sides. Every friend I have made this year has had at least one issue that has affected me. I've had my own issues that have made the lives of others rather crappy. As much as this yaer has helped me come to terms with the skeletons in my closet, the more they seem to be coming back to haunt me. I've been up, and down, up again, down again. I've been scared beyond belief. I've made stuff ups, other people have. I'm tired of the fighting, because I always seem to be fighting with someone. I'm sick of the issues!

Realisations that I've made this year what is has been and how I percieve them:

My mind is so full of new information. I have been bombarded with things that blow my mind almost every day, and I'm still trying to make sense of them. With the new-found confidence, I also know (as cocky as it sounds) that I have the ability to chase all the goals I've made career-wise. I know I have the power to make a success out of my life, and I know that I will. I think I've become more career orientated than I ever have been, which is a good and a bad thing. Because of this, I've had to forsake many other things, but also gained so many new aspects to my life, aspects that make me who I am right now.

I've made amazing friends. Yes, they are friends that I have fought with so many times, but they are friends that have become my family, and which families don't fight every now and then? Whoever said that the friends you make in varsity are the ones that will stick around for life, I am starting to believe that person. Although I'll have to come to terms with the fact that after Rhodes I won't be seeing these people every day, I know that I can call on them any time and they'll make the effort for me, just like I would make the effort for them. I have been reunited with an old old old friend from primary school, and he has become the most amazing person in my life. I rip him off a lot (a shit lot) but he takes it amazingly well and I am so glad he's part of my life again. Dude, I would never have expected it. I've also had to break long-term friendships with people from home, just because, from the different experiences we've had, our lives are no longer on the same level. It's sad, but I've also come to realise that this is a part of life. Life has this amazing way of adapting to change, I need to let it adapt more often.

You can't live with a lovelife, you can't live without one. At one point this year, I thought I was turning into a ho. I got over it though. Random scores have proven to be a blessing and a bitch. Encounters in the dining hall, activate offices or bed the morning after are not pleasant experiences, but I've also made some of my most amazing friends from making out with them first.
I've had my heart broken, I'm still coming to terms with this one. Realising that getting over your first heartbreak is not an easy thing, and the more I think about it the more I think you will never get over that person, but you still move on (that makes sense to me ok, don't look so confused). I realised tonight that the only person that has ever given me butterflies, the only person that I couldn't get out of my head for such a long time, is not gonna happen because of issues on both my part and theirs. As much as I want it to happen, I also don't and I'm sick of the confusion this causes, I'm tired of having to wait around not knowing what's happening and I hate how much I've been hurt in the process. The strange thing is this entire time I've also been infatuated and crushing majorly on someone here since the first time I met her, and she still doesn't know. One of the most amazing girls at Rhodes, who is so out of my league, and I don't even have the courage to do anything about it. Then there's the girl at home that I don't know what to do about. Feelings suck, but you're never gonna stop having them and you'll never be able to choose who you have them for, so rather just have them.

You can look happy and be sad, you can look sad and be happy. No one will actually ever get you. No one, as much as you try and let them know, will ever feel exactly the way you're feeling. I've had so many issues this year with other people and my problems, but the thing that scares me is the problems I tell other people are the ones that mean the least in my life. The real problems in my life are the ones I tell nobody, and the more I think about it, the same goes for others. I am still in the same place in terms of keeping everything bottled up inside. Friends may not think so, but I know that I will never be able to tell them the things that are weighing down my heart. Everybody is scared of judgement, whether they want to admit it or not. Even the 'screw society I'm hardcore' kids. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm manic depressive. That last sentence is the first time I've ever made it known to the general public. But I've also come to terms with the fact that the only person that can do anything about it is me. And I'm trying. I have only had one 'downtime' this term, so I think I'm getting better at pulling myself together. It scares me though that soon I'll have to deal with it myself for three months without being able to run across to Athies or Helen Joseph. But I'll be ok. I always am.

LIFE GOES ON. It is inevitable. You will make fuck ups in your life. Everyone does. The main thing I've realised this year is that no matter how big the fuck up is, you'll be able to deal with it somehow and eventually you'll forget about it and later think "did I really worry that much about such a small thing?" The comforting thing is that if ever there is a time to make stuff ups, it is now. Everything I have ever done, good or bad, has contributed to the person I am today, and as I said before: I'm liking that person. So why worry about stupid things?


I'm over this year. I'm growing up and I know it. The only question I have is whether I'm ok with it or not.